Part of this about me

Has to include my amazing career as a nail technician. I decided to become a nail tech after staying home for 7 months. I clocked out on a lunch from my corporate bank job. Then I drove home. I remember crawling on top of my husbands body. He was still in bed because he wasn’t working at the time. I layed on top of him, trying to absorb some of that love from his skin. I’d been struggling in that time of my life because I was trying to find a balance between working and taking care of my toddlers. Making sure my bills were paid, home was clean and dinner was ready at a normal hour. I was failing at it all. I had all the best intentions but just couldn’t figure it out.

So there I was laying on my husband and in that moment I gave up. I hadn’t thought about it before doing so. I hadn’t made a plan.

I whispered to him while my face was nuzzled in his neck “I’m not going back” He sat up and looked at me confused. With his posture change mine did too. Now face to face I said again, quietly but serious. “I’m not going back to work, you need to find a job..the bills will be due again in two weeks” and with that he said “ok.” That easy. No more conversation about it. I wonder if he hadn’t enjoyed how things were going either. Maybe he had been thinking about what to do to change things but also didn’t know how. It turned out to be the best thing him and I ever did for our family. He shifted into the role of provider and I settled in to make the place a home and care for the kids.

We had no money for a while but I’m okay with that. The trade off was that I was able to sit and ponder on my next steps in life. How was I going to make sure I could raise good people by being available to them when it really mattered? Back in those days when I would blow out a birthday candle or make a wish on a star or say a prayer under my breath it was always the same “please make me a good mom, please help me raise good kids.”

After some time at home.. my interlude to next. A series of events helped me think beauty school was the next best fit. Once finished and settled into the career, I’d have a schedule I was in charge of. And also, I could make my own prices which in turn would allow me to control my income. Those were my main priorities. I needed more money and I needed flexibility. Off I went. At the same time, as I went to start my life, trouble came to my Homefront. A storm of chaos and destruction that was not foretold in the forecast.

I remember an Owl coming to perch on the power lines right in front of my house. I’d sit out on my steps and smoke cigarettes and drink wine. This owl started coming on a regular basis. It always felt ominous, just sitting there across from me. I lived in a city, there were no rodents running around. The power lines were low. And the owl just sat there directly across from me, staring.

If you look into the meaning, an owl represents a messenger of death. I don’t know if I believe all of that stuff, but after the circumstance I know its not all untrue… I should’ve changed my prayers then to something like “God, can you protect us please?”

But I guess I wouldn’t have learned what I know now if all that didn’t happen. Drug use, fast cars, addictions and bad coping.. It was seven years of sorrows that ultimately lead to two of my brothers passing and my dad. And I understand people pass away. Death is apart of life. Full circle. But this was not. And because of how it all fell at my feet. I had a hard time recovering from the ache left in my soul. It was a brokenness that can’t be described to the full measure. It was hopelessness. It was despair. It was like walking under a curse. I wish you never feel it for yourself.

The whole experience completely changed me so much that I’m not the same person that stepped into that season. And I guess that was the purpose of it all, even though it was tough to live through. I had become so frightened I ran to safety which translated to me as -church. Not because I was religious because I wasn’t. I just thought, If God is real then surely He can help with whatever all these people are saying He provides.

While I was behind the scenes building my successful career, I’d go home to this reality. When the busy day calmed down I had this dooming conversation with myself.  Then I’d wake up, throw some makeup and heels at it and pretend there was nothing the matter. I got so good at the mask that I didn’t even realize I hadn’t fixed any of the damage. I actually didn’t even realize there was damage. Then I got to that burn out again. I came home and crawled, this time, into bed and said “I’m not going back”

I’d felt God pulling me toward a new path I was resistant to take because I had worked so hard for the success I had. My own business, my reputation, my skills.. I was no longer the rookie. I was the boss. I had made a plan, a goal.. and I’d accomplished it. I’d pushed it further than I had even planned. So why would I step away?

but the nagging voice this time was whispering “there’s more out there for you” I started having dreams of missing my own wedding. So, I made the grudgingly hard choice to close my business. My beautiful baby. And to step out in faith that I had the right gut feeling. That God was really guiding me. I mean after all, if He did it in the Bible.. doesn’t He do it still?

I closed up with tears in my eyes and butterflies in my tummy. And I wish I could say I stepped into this amazing thing. But I don’t know yet. At first I just sat there.. used to being extremely busy. And then I learned that I had used “busy” as a way to cope. Because when I got there to that quiet place all by myself, while the kids were at school, all I could do was be with myself.

And holy crap was homegirl a piece of work. I started to re learn myself in a very intimate way. I learned, but what is most important is that I started a journey to healing that I didn’t know I was on.

I started reading my old journal logs and realizing “you’ve been through some shit girl” but here I am still standing. Still able to put on a smile. But now my smile has no underlying pain that makes me wince behind closed doors.

I’m genuinely pure peace. But also I’ve got this fierceness attached to my story. I feel mad that my family was chosen to be the center of destruction. I take it personal. And I notice when I see it happening to others I want to attack whatever enemy they have. I’ll stand in the divide for you.

I’ve always been partial to confrontation. The adult version of me thinks of it as healthy. Like resolving issues. The younger Alicia just wants to pop the problem in the mouth just cause it ruffled my feathers. I didn’t wanna talk about it.. I wanted to fight about it.

For a while, the fire in me had dimmed. I had fear over me that made me meek… it made me run the other way. I was so scared of another bad thing happening I had surrendered to just being under the radar. Don’t smile too hard, don’t laugh too loud.. avoid.

And the funny thing is, I feel that old Alicia filling up my shoes again. I wanna go toe to toe with the biggest bully I ever met.

While I endured the attacks I learned the strategies used to try and take me down. I was never designed to be unseen and unheard and scared.

So I think I’ll just go ahead and be bold, write my stories, laugh real loud and fill up a room with my presence.

While I walk in purpose, I’m going to tell you everything from then and now. My hope is that you find a way to see through my lens. My perspective that has evolved over this life quaking experience of mine.

Now that your’e all up to speed on me, I invite you to journey with me. And to demon slay along the way.

Consider this my postcard, Alicia Undone

I’ll write to you.