11:1

4 babies were born to our family and friends this year. 4 new lives.

I watched my young niece hold her cousin. He’s tiny.. fragile. His whole world depends on someone somewhere making sure he’s taken care of. I watched him lookin his around. Just 4 weeks old.

When I looked at him I wondered “what will you be when you grow up?” Then thought about how we’re all here for something.

Hebrews 11:1 explains faith to us. Faith is actually pretty confusing to me. This whole -understanding the Bible/God/Religion thing has been quite a journey. This is what the verse reads about faith.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and the assurance of things unseen…”

So I gotta explain where the understanding of this has settled for me...there are a few main words I see here, hope and confidence and unseen.

I see hope in this verse as an action. Its an active excitement towards a desire or dream or expectation. And according to the verse its ok to feel confident in these things even though I can’t see or feel them for myself. In fact I should feel sure about them as if I already have what Ive hoped for.

Its believing even though we can’t see anything beyond behind our own eyelids.

“I want you closer lord, ..”  I said. I was sitting in my living room. All of the kids were at school and I was starting to feel lonely just wandering the hallways of my house. I had stepped away from my business in March. This was now the tail end of May. I was set to close the business completely in just 3 weeks. I had decided to Step away after a lengthy coaxing process That all started with a dream I had when the shop was in full swing, busy as ever. I was making great money. I was the most successful, most healthy and most financially stable I’d ever been.

When I first opened my shop I asked God what I should do with the space. And I heard “close it” Most of the pastors and mentors around me in that time frame had started preaching about following God and how sometimes it came with a sacrifice but then paid off in the end. It was faith, It was trust they were explaining. I took the advice as true. I figured, if God wanted me to close my business I would. I remember after hearing this message from a few different sources I said out loud to God “if you want me to close it, I will.” and I meant it. I understood the message and continued on with my life. Over the next few years, I built my business to something beautiful.

Prior to this opportunity, it had taken me three yeas to finally put myself into a position to be able to lease a space, save enough money to purchase furniture and supplies, build a big enough clientele to support my business and learn what it took to run a business on top of being the actual position of nail technician. I had begged God to make a way for me to own my own place. I had put in countless applications at commercial locations to lease and everyone always found a way to tell me no. During this time, there would be days that I came home with $20 for a whole days worth of labor. I wanted to quit. I was discouraged. but what else would I do? This is what I had gone to school for. So, I persevered and eventually someone said yes! I was where I wanted to be. I was building. I was finally at the place of living and enjoying what I had set out to accomplish so many years earlier….and then.

It felt like every time I’d grow it more, the more I’d hear “close it” But the bigger and more established my business and my career became the harder it was to let go.

After a couple years of growth I was financially stable enough to lease the empty space next door to me. My plan was to knock the wall down that separated the two locations to make one big space and add a new service to the salon. Maybe lashes, a pedicure area, more nail tables.. Or maybe a whole different business. I prayed for instruction. “What should we build?”

I heard “close it” again.

Ummm not right now satan please.. I’m talking to My Jesus. I figured my own thoughts were invading my mind. Maybe I needed some rest. Maybe I was overworking myself. Maybe I need more polish for the salon. I took a vacation and decided not to lease the space next door. But the idea of closing stayed lingering in my mind… it was wearing me down. One of those thoughts in the back of my mind.

After some consideration I decided to sell. I was just so tired of the emotional back and forth. I spoke to a few people, I lined up a buyer but the day I was set to confirm the purchase and get things in motion, I received another buyers interest. And plot twist, this new person said they’d just be a silent partner. I could keep my business and Id have another surplus fo funds to push the salon even further.. there were still a few things I hadn’t accomplished yet. Some unfinished business. I got so confused. I told my them both I just needed to think. And they were piiiiisssed. I probably seemed like a child to one and a liar to the other. I just wasn’t ready. I said maybe in a year or so we can re visit the idea.

A tenant moved into the space I had leased and given back. Seeing them in the spot I had plans for made me regret my choice not to use the space after all. So as soon as there was an opportunity, I snagged it back. And of course I prayed to my business partner again.

“God? What should I do with the space?”

“Close it” I hear.

Darn it anyway what is that?! I couldn’t stop thinking about closing it. I was in love with my little place. I loved my clients. I loved my location. I loved the theme and the name. I had thought of every detail in my imagination and crafted it all into existence one step at a time. I adored this place.  So why was the idea of closing going through my mind? Every time I ever heard close it I would just get back to work and become filled with my career. Then the feeling would fall away again.

Have you ever had a quick awareness overcome you where you feel like your’e in the wrong place in life? Or maybe not doing what you were meant to do. Theres just this gut feeling that theres a bigger picture you should be apart of?  I worked as a receptionist for a short time. In that job I’d sit there and quietly ask myself ‘what are you doing? All the time.

I just always had this nagging feeling I have bigger shoes to fill. But I don’t know what that means for me. And although I was happy with the salon, I was feeling this nag at the same time.

So there I was faced with this choice again. Close or not? I was praying over the same space for a second time that year. I really needed a breakthrough. I was happy about the space but unsure of what to do…At home I got into bed. The next morning I woke up from a very interesting dream.

Ring Dream

I was standing in the space next to my salon. The space in question. The space I was asking what to make of it. The good shepherd was standing in front of me, facing me. There was a small audience of maybe 5-8 people behind him. Like his entourage or something. Im not sure. He was standing there with a gentle smile. Very kind maybe almost silly. About to tell a joke. He was lighthearted.

He said “so Alicia you and I are going to get married.”

I said “ok!”

He asked me “ok, so would you like to choose your ring or would you like me to choose it?”

Immediately I remembered all of the times I had received jewelry from my husband. Beautiful pieces. But styles I always had to get use to. Not what I’d choose myself but I love them eventually.

I needed to be informed so I asked questions before giving my official answer.

“If I choose the ring, can I choose anything?”

“Anything” He said

“So I can choose any gem or stone or precious metal I want to? There is no limit on how grand I make this thing?”

He responded “ you can choose anything”

“Ok! I said” like Id won the lotto “I’ll choose then.” I was confident in my answer.

I went about searching for all of the finest stones and rocks I could find. I hired the very best jewelers. I took helicopters to hidden caves planes couldn’t even land. I searched every corner of the earth that I could think to look. And finally I had finished my work of art. It was colorful. I had placed the smaller stones in a circle around the center stone. I had used gold and white gold and silver then twisted it together for the band. It was the very best of the best that I could find. It was beautiful. I brought it back to present it to my betrothed. I held it out in front of me. I was so proud of my work.

And there He stood that same kind silly way about him. Smiling. He looked at it pleased. The same way I look at my 2nd graders art work from school.

‘“Oh yeah nice” He said.

“Alicia, would you like to see the ring I had chosen for you?” He asked.

I was worried about not being able to have my big ol ring I had just made so I asked “just in case I don’t like it, can I still have my ring?” I was basically saying -I’ll hold on to my ring, but I’m open to looking at yours,… if I can still have mine… if I don’t like yours.

He said “of course, no problem. You always have a choice.”

“Ok then, I’d like to see.” I said I wasn’t feeling like I’d change my mind, but it didn’t hurt to look.

And with that He held out this ring.

-ohhh Noooo oh my goodness.

The reaction on my face was obvious. I squirmed in Embarrassment.

“No duh Alicia!” I thought to myself. Of course He can make a ring better than you!… He probably went to the ends of the earth. He probably knows where all the secret diamonds are hidden under the ocean. And He’s God so Hes able to retrieve them with ease.

The earth is His and everything in it! What was I thinking?

The ring was a simple emerald cut diamond with a thick band. Nothing more. Just simple. But It was so pure looking it shined as if it had a light held up through the back of it. It was glimmering. The stone was so perfect that it almost looked clear. Id never seen anything like it. I still haven’t. It was glowing.

By this time the entourage behind him, the 5-8 had started laughing at me. They laughed because it was so obvious. A childish mistake.

This scenario ended then He became more serious. In a counseling kind of manner. A helpful, try to understand type of stern.

“You see, this is what you are doing with your life. You are going about and searching and searching . You are picking out all of the best pieces to plug into your environment. You are trying to create what you feel will make you fulfilled. But you know….”

The moment was feelin real Bob Saget, Full house vibes.

“‘Ive got something picked out for you too. Something I had planned for you.”

And that was the thought I woke up to. He had said his piece. He was finished talking about the matter.

I was trying to control everything and He just wanted a little faith from me.

This is where I tell you I was so inspired that I closed my shop the next day. And happily jumped into Jesus’ arms and plan for me.

What I actually did was again, make another excuse. I must just need to spruce things up a bit.  I thought to myself.

I ended up tearing down that wall. Completely rebranding. I painted and bought swanky black velvet pedicure chairs. I turned the new space into an amazing pedicure area. I hired more employees. I did everything on the list that I hadn’t done yet. I finished the unfinished business. I set strict hours. I worked harder. And then.. I made lotsa lotsa dough. Like a lot. I was again in love with my place. More than Id ever been.

That December, I got sick from Covid. I sat in my bedroom, quarantined from work and my kids for the full 2 weeks that were mandatory back then. I spent the New Year laid up. Bored. And all of that time, in my bed with no work or family to keep me busy and out of my own mind.. I got to thinking. And praying again.

“God whats my next step in life?” I wanted to know where this train was headed.

“Close the salon.”

When I ask God for guidance, He always shows me the way. And for the past two years He hadn’t given me any instruction besides this vague “close it”

I weighed the decision.

If I close my salon I could lose all of my progress. I’ll lose my space and have to find a new one. I’d lose my clients that I worked so hard for. I would literally be taking a financial step backward. And oh my goodness. The biggest fear of mine was… being completely dependent on my husband. Ive watched waiting to exhale too many times to think that I should ever be up under a man waiting to be cared for.

Ok now the other side.

If I don’t close my salon…. I will never know the “what if” I had. I will never see the full potential that my creator is so lovingly begging me to fulfill.

If I hate it, I know how to run this business. I know this business like the back of my hand as they say. I can do it again and again with my eyes closed. And the big bonus, I will stop hearing this nagging..close close close. It was final.

I’ll give it a year.

I dedicated myself to the decision. No more wavering back and forth. I was closing the salon. And so I did.

But what happened after I closed is the bigger story. Because once I got home and settled in.. When the kids were at school and I was all by myself I started to learn so much. About myself. I thought I knew me. But it turned out there were some habits that had formed out of adapting. I had adapted to the trials Id faced in the past. That is a whole word on its own. And Im saving that for its own time.

If I had jumped right into whatever it is God has planned for me I wouldn’t have been ready. I thought I was. But I was just surviving, not living. As of this day 9/1/2023…. I feel amazing. I have no regrets for the shop. I also learned how to trust God. Because to be honest, through this time of staying home -it has been hard. Ive demanded that God do what He said He’d do “right now!” Ive cried in remorse for closing. Ive thought I was bat shit crazy for trusting nothing I can see… nothing tangible. Ive thought, -maybe I heard Him wrong. Ive thought maybe I didnt really hear him all, maybe it was my own thoughts. Ive also felt peace at times. Like I just want to flow with whatever is coming.

The biggest most valuable lesson I think Ive learned is to be right here in today.

But you know what? Ive been home a year and 2 months now and I feel hopeful. Nothing major has happened as of yet but the time I spent in the quiet by myself as the -preseason has been beneficial. I was isolated and worked on. Just like how a store puts that brown paper up on the windows while they work on the inside. Later they’ll unveil the beauty from the outside so every passer by can marvel at the creation.

Faith.. a jump into the unknown but trusting the process. Trusting what I have never seen. Trusting that I dont need to know the plan. Trusting God to show me the way. Having confidence that it will all come to pass at the perfect time. Having assurance God will provide at every moment.

If you have a difficult decision of faith weighing on you, Do what you feel youre being lead to do. And pray through the whole season.

To be continued……..

Wont He do it.