Daddy Issues

July 30, 2023

I talked to my mom today. Its her birthday. She said a few days ago she went to a diner. When she and her husband walked in, they passed a man that looked almost identical to her father Gene, who passed away about 13 years ago. My mom said his eyes were just like his. His smile, his height, everything. She just wanted to stare at him. Instead they sparked up a conversation with him and eventually my mom told this man how much he resembled her late father. He chuckled and said “well sorry” as if it were a bad thing to remember ones dad. Or maybe that was the experience he’d had in life. My mom said to him “No, no its a good thing! It’s nice to see his face in yours” she finished her food, the conversation and then started to leave. Before she walked out of the door she looked back once more, just to get one last look. But this time, she said he had tears in his eyes. His face seemed like it was visibly holding back that hot throaty cry. She thought to herself maybe she saw wrong so she looked again and sure enough he was quietly crying to himself at his table while he sat there alone.

While on the phone, she told me all about what had happened and at the end she asked me, “what do you think that whole thing meant? Do you think he was an Angel or something?”

I answered her and explained what I had understood from Gods revealing about the men coming in and out of my life in different seasons. “He must’ve been the father figure you needed right in this moment… hearing a dad saying “happy birthday”

And after we hung up I sat to take time and consider, what he could have been crying about? And really we’ll never know for sure.. but I think, the interaction meant just as much to him as it did to my mom. Maybe it meant something to him to be valued as father figure even if it was only as a father, by a stranger for no more than a few minutes, to enjoy a little bit of small talk. And I considered my own dad and a dream Id had when I needed it most.

April 9, 21

The other night when I was sleeping my dad came to visit

As I slept, in my dreams I sat with him around a table… he told some jokes like he always did and I laughed harder than I have in a while. He held my hand. I’m a whole adult and still, my hands barely fill his palm, he embraced me.. I felt so safe. I sat there with him and he gave me advice about all of these different topics.. similar to when he was living. Id think of some random question and say to myself, “hmmm I bet my dad knows the answer.” Id call him up no matter the time or day or night and ask, and of course he did know the answer. Id sit talking on that phone but mostly just listening to his deep strong voice fill my ears with the knowledge no one else has…still to this day…. I had missed that portion of our relationship the most. So as I slept and sat with him in dream land I was just so pleased to be there with him. Somehow I knew I was dreaming but I also knew he was really there.

My daughter came into my room to wake me, she was ready for her breakfast, I’m sure. When she shook me and whispered “mama” in her little voice I started to come out of my dream. I remember feeling the pang of goodbye again, I didn’t know when he’d come by for a visit once more. I sleepily brushed my daughter away and said “in a minute, just a little longer” and I got back to my dream.

He had started to fade as I had started to wake up. As I went back into dreamland he stayed and we visited just a little longer.  This was the first visit since he passed in 2018.

God says he’s next to the broken hearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. It says He delivers them from their troubles. He promises to restore you. But how do you restore the end of something. Especially life? My father was dead.

2023

My dad was always the center of every room he was in. He was funny. He was muscular and built but as he aged, his belly grew round. It was the classic dad beer belly. He would flex his core muscles and bounce our little heads off of his belly button as a joke. And we all thought it was the greatest thing ever. He had scars all up and down his forearms from all of the knife fights he’d gotten into. The scars had keloided in certain areas and when he’d flex some would pop up from the pressure. Just to show off how strong he was, he’d let my siblings and I hang on his arm and he’d lift us up off the ground.

He had a personality you just couldn’t ignore. Sometimes he used that to his advantage and sometimes it was hard to be around him. He suffered as an alcoholic for most of his life but for the majority of my memories he was sober. I was the youngest girl.. and so most of those drunk days were when I was too young to remember. He did fall back into drinking when I was an adult but by that time he had softened as a man.

Knowing my dad was an honor for me although he had many different sides to him, the majority of what I saw was always motivating and loving and supportive. When I was little he use to pray over my siblings and I. He’d call us over from whatever funner activity we were engulfed in and he’d stretch out his hand over our foreheads. He’d palm “our grapes” or “melons” as he called them and he’d fall into a fervent prayer. Sometimes we’d stand there for 10 minutes while he was lost in prayer under his breath. We never knew what he was saying. His eyes were closed and he was speaking so quickly ya just couldn’t quite hear. He’d do this multiple times a day. Especially before he’d drop us back off to our mothers homes for the week. When he was done praying we’d have to wipe our foreheads from all of the accidental spit that had flung from his mouth while he was blessing us. My siblings and I would all look at each other while he prayed, thinking he was so extra and weird.

Ive been thinking about my dad a lot lately. Not for any particular reason. Just while driving down the road or laying in bed. He seems to be a pass time in my mind, maybe asking for the forefront of thought.
I’ve had the experience of dealing with loss. Saying goodbye to each person, my two brothers and then my dad. Each had its own set of lessons.

When you sit there and listen to eulogies or look at lifeless bodies in hospital beds or kiss aunties cheeks for the last time you cant help but reflect on all the time you spent with that person while they were full of vigor. And you think about how you won’t experience that anymore. Whatever it was that you may have valued. And after my dad passed I couldn’t help but think about restoration. About that promise from God. I couldn’t imagine how it could be.

As if my father could be reborn and come to me to have those late conversations full of his wisdom. The wisdom that had been earned from a hard life. I loved those talks. I’d call him at 3 am and he’d answer the phone. He’d sit up and talk me as long as I needed. About whatever I needed to understand. Sometimes we’d just tell each other funny things. But when I say anytime I mean ANYTIME. He’d answer for me. When my dad was present he was the ideal version of what a father could be. So how can that be restored?

When he passed, although I still had my mom, I felt orphaned and alone. It was a weird feeling. Id never have the comfortable easy going hugs that grip you so tight you can barely breath. Id never have his mustache scratching my face. And his crooked smile was my favorite. Or how he said my name. He always skipped the first A.. Just saying “Lisha” But I think on a human scale.. God sees new paths I don’t even know exist.

One day I was in worship. My favorite place to be. My hands were up and I was thanking God for the healing He was doing in my family. But I still had that question…what about my dad?

I asked God “how can you restore his death?” I wanted to know how a father could be replaced.

When He answered me He said .. “Ive sent you fathers in his absence” then he showed me in a vision, their faces and the moments that Id already lived and received.

He showed me my first landlord on my first commercial property. He helped me and guided me along the way, navigating my first business venture with me. He helped me with finances, he gave me advice. Just like a dad does. Lots and lots of good conversations. I bet if I called him right now he’d answer on the first ring and give me some of his wisdom.

He showed me my husbands dad. My father in law. He showed me him just -being. And in his being, he is a father to me. Leading and being the cornerstone to his family. He’s a soft hearted man. Very strong but so gentle at the same time.

Then I remembered this amazing dream that brought me some closure a couple years after my dad had passed. Where I sat in a living room just like old times and talked to Dad. Im sure my dads spirit is off living his best life in heaven but I appreciated just getting the experience, even if it was a dream.

Finally God said…

“Out of all of this.. I am your Father. Ive always been here and I will be forever more.”

And I know that seems so simple and like oh yeah everyone says that.. typical Jesus talk. But I really appreciate God pointing that out to me. Moving forward I can rely on His advice, His companionship, His financial access like helping us save up for the down payment on our first home or just “being” with me.. which means so much to me.

If you hear me praying and I say Father, just know it means more to me than just what reading what the word in the good book means.. because I didn’t have a father for a while or so I thought.

I know we all have these different relationships with the father in our life. Some people were abandoned by their dad. Some dads were present but emotionally unavailable. Some dads have addictions and choose that over their kids. Some dads were sexually or physically abusive. Some dads were great.

Absorb the lessons you were able to learn from them no matter if it were good or bad routes to learning. This may seem different but I try to take my personal interests out of all of the relationships I have with people especially when I’m feeling frustrated with someone. I try to look at life as a journey. And so then I can see this person without the haze of my expectations all around them. Then I learn from them and their actions. Remember, just because we should have it all figured out doesn’t mean we do all of the time.

If you didnt enjoy a healthy loving relationship from the main male figure in your life I am sorry. You didnt deserve any of that. And I can see how it is hard to accept this God to be a father when any sort of that relationship could feel new and uncomfortable. How are you suppose to trust?

I can only tell you from my experience and from that experience I encourage you to tell God all about your hurts. Just how a child tattles on the mean kid or needs a hug after a fall. Bring it all to Him. Let God deal with that pain or the distrust or the anger. Put that at His feet like a bunch of luggage you no longer want to carry. Its heavy anyway. Giving it away is much better than carrying it around..

Think about this. God the father. I know its probably hard to see because He’s very behind the scenes but… He delights in His children. Each one being so individual to him. Just like how I’m obsessed with taking pictures of my kids. And every freaken thing they do is the cutest ever to me. God feels this for you as well. He brags, He’s proud. He cares. He wants to hear about your day. He wants to make you feel protected. He wants to spend time with you. He wants to help you where you ask for it. He wants you to win at all the things.

If I could put God the Fathers personality into a posture it would be..

Arms open. All the time. No matter what.

Take the time to look around your life and find where you have or had a father figure. A good man that stepped in and nurtured you in the void. A teacher or a grandpa or an older sibling or a neighbor.. could’ve been a stranger like my moms run-in at the diner.. someone to say happy birthday because you needed to hear it…..find them in your memory. You have a father. Figure.

And to you who had a great dad, I am so happy for you!

God can be the bonus dad!

Call your dads people, call your father figures, talk to God today…they’d love to hear from you.