New Beginnings

Back in the early stages of our relationship, Jorge and I attended a little church. Only 50-100 people in the congregation. I had been needing a church to go to. Looking back over the life I’ve lived so far, I realize I always run to a church at my lowest points. This point was that I was pregnant. I didn’t have a home besides my moms living room floor, that she asked $225 a month to rent. I was in that transitional part of life.

A coworker of mine had told me about this great little church but she couldn’t remember the name of it. She just told me about where it was. And so, on Sunday I loaded my big belly into a dress and stuffed my swollen ankles into some prettier sandles. We drove around the area looking for the church and finally in the corner of a parking lot, right next to a Bi-mart there was a little entrance that had a vinyl sign hanging over the doors. It read “New beginnings” It wasn’t the church she had recommended but it was perfect for us.

Right away we felt at home. There was a younger crowd, not too many people. And bonus, the pastor was from the same city as Jorge in California. Every Sunday we’d attend and eventually, we were invited to join one of their bible study groups. The class was for young couples just starting out. It was named “marriage and soup” By this time I had given birth to a beautiful son.  So every Wednesday night, we’d swaddle our little baby up and go out to this bible study.

It was at one of the elders homes in the south part of town. The couple had been married almost 50 years. They had so many golden nuggets of information just flowing from their lips. Each week we enjoyed a different kind of homemade soup that our host had prepared. It was so good. She used ingredients you wouldn’t even think to combine. After soup, we’d sit and talk about the subject. There were two other couples besides our hosts.

Deep down in my heart, I truly believe these classes.. or what we learned in them rather, were the back bone to our future marriage.

We learned so much.

The biggest and most simple piece of advice that I’ve carried with me for all of these years is this,

“Always remember who you married”

And in the times of “hard” it’s rang true over and over. At this point in my relationship I’ve been with my husband 16 years. I can tell you from personal experience, I’ve gone through seasons of literal hate for this man. And in the back of my mind, when I had considered leaving him, I just tried to remember, the guy I love is in there somewhere. I’ve learned that we’re growing together. Growing together means sometimes he’s going to be before me and sometimes I’ll be looking back wishing he’d mature in some area. So far, we’ve always found each other again after the hard parts. The good times aren’t always going to be present so in those hard times, remember that the person you married is in there, just hidden in the response to the weight of life.

Through it all, I loved him. Like, I really love him.

I met him when I was 19. A year prior I had started having dreams about my path splitting. I talked to my dad about it because after having the dream about three times it started to make me feel like it meant something. It was always the same. I stood there looking down this path and I knew everything. My house, my kids, my family. I even had a good state job. Then there was another path off to my left. If you weren’t looking you’d almost miss. The path was so narrow. It gave a few feet of view but after that it disappeared around rocks and grass… I couldn’t see what was after that. In each dream, I was standing there at the split.

When I told my dad, he got all worked up sitting at the dining table he almost lost his breath “Lisha!” He said “stay on your path!” I didn’t.

That week I broke up with the father of my daughter, for no reason other than the dream where I saw my whole future. He was really good to me. I packed my little bag. I remember looking back at him as he sat on the edge of the bed with no words. He was holding our little girl. She was one and a half at the time. I left her too. But I’d make sure to see her everyday and continue to parent her. The thing was, I didn’t even know where I was going. How could I bring her with me. I just had to find out what was on that path. The dream was telling me that I had a choice to make. And I didn’t know what to do.. What I did know, was that I couldn’t let my life be known at the age of 18. I needed to see the unexpected. And after I left, I stopped having the dream.

I ended up at my sisters apartment. She’s a year older than me. And the party began. Everyday. Definitely a good time of my life that I do not recommend. It almost sucked me in. By the tail end of it, I had no job, I was awaiting a felony conviction, I was barely seeing my daughter, and I was sleeping on my moms couch. My car was about to get repossessed so I had to get some money. I heard about this gas station that was really mismanaged and gave people jobs without the whole string of interviews and pee tests. I’d have money in two weeks to pay my car note. I went to apply, and sure enough I was working by that evening. They gave me a uniform and the graveyard shift. I did a couple days of training and by the third, I was a pro. Slangin cigarettes and selling beers after 2:30. I was a whole hot mess. On my fourth day I watched a car pull up. The store was quiet. A man in a royal blue jacket stepped out. Mexican, nice haircut but who cares. Not my type. I wasn’t even in the mood for a guy anyway. I was never really a boy crazy kind of girl. And by this time I had realized I needed to calm down. Things were spiraling and I didn’t need a man confusing life any further. He approached the glass doors and held out his hand to walk in. Before he pulled it open, he checked his self out in the reflection. He made a face on the glass almost like he was saying to himself “oh yeah you look good”

I was shocked. I started laughing so hard. I couldn’t believe this guy thought he was all that. He was conceited. Checking his own self out!

He walked in not even knowing I was watching him the whole time. After him a few more customers opened the door. I was getting busy all the sudden. He did his shopping and approached the checkout. I decided to mess with him a bit. He was so annoying. Why would he be looking at himself like that? He was purchasing a tall can beer and asked for a pack of menthol smokes to go with it. I asked for his ID. I never asked for ID. Back then, I would have probably sold beer to anyone. I didn’t really care. He pulled out the ID. I checked it out. It was California. Interesting. I asked him questions about the details like -what’s the address on the card. -Whats the name as it appears on the card. Hmm, Weird last name. The whole time he was quiet. Really calm. Observant. He patiently answered all the questions. He was so kind about it all. My line had grown… so my little game had to end. I quickly gave his ID back, and said have a good night. I was bored with him now. He grabbed his stuff and walked out. Not before I got one last look at him.

It’s those moments that your’e right on time with destiny. -World stops, kind of moments.

I had just met my husband and I didn’t even know it.

An hour later the store had calmed again and we were heading into the wee morning hours, here comes this guy again. This time with a friend. They walk in. His friend comes over to me and starts to small talk me. Eventually, he says, “hey my friend wants your number” I look up to see who he’s talking about or I guess where his friend was. Jorge was way over in the corner of the store. He was pretending to shop for engine oil and car fresheners. Like who buys that stuff at midnight on a Saturday night. I actually never see anyone in those areas at corner stores. Do you? I saw Jorge turn to look towards me over the aisles. Jeez this guy is hilarious I thought.

I looked back to his friend to answer his statement..

I said “no”

The friend was shocked.

“What? No? Why not?”

I made some lame excuse saying it was because Jorge couldn’t ask himself. It was half way true. But really I was young, I didn’t want a relationship and guys were asking for my number a lot at this job. But thats not what came out was it? So here came Jorge. He walked over and asked for my phone number… himself.

I said “no” again, they were shocked.

He said “but you just....”

I said  “I know, how about I get your phone number?”

he said “ok”

And with all the phone number business out of the way we started to just act like kids. You ever notice how easy kids make friends? That was us. Just messing around and -being together. I helped customers in between our talks. He sipped his fountain drink.

Just before he was going to leave he said  “you know your’e pretty cool actually I’m gong to give you my real number”

Oh boy what a piece of work this guy was. Sweet and innocent. He had no idea I was never going to call. I just hadn’t learned how to get myself out of those phone number interest questions yet. I didn’t know how to hurt feelings for the sake of my own comfort yet.

I saved his correct phone number, the one I was never going to call, and off he went to live his life. He came to visit me every night for at least a few minutes. Some nights he’d stay longer. I enjoyed the company. It was a graveyard shift and so I didn’t like to be there all alone. After the 2am rush things would slow down and I would just be there until six am when my relief came for their shift. So He’d grab a fountain drink and jump up on the counter to sit and talk with me. Sometimes he’d bring his cousins or friends when they stopped through for gas.

He joked around to his cousin, he said.  “this is Alicia my future ex wife”

You see at that young age he had already been married and divorced twice. And I had no idea. But it meant nothing to me anyway. I had no interest in dating. I kept telling him that. And I was being truthful. It was just nice to have a new friend.

One of the nights he never came to visit. I had missed his company. At 5:50 am he stumbled in the front door half asleep. He was still groggy. His hair was flat on one side from the pillow. His shirt was wet from raindrops. He just stood there. He had rushed over to see me before I left for the night. But this time, my boss had already shown up for the morning open shift. I gave him the “eyes” The ones that yell at you saying “not right now!” He went to wait outside until I finished.

It was the middle of December, pouring down rain. He was standing there in a light sweater. Shaking a little from the cold, smoking a cigarette while he waited for me. I asked him if he had walked. I had never seen his car besides the first night. He said yeah he had walked, so I offered him a ride home. We got in the car, buckled up… I put my music on as loud as I could. It played some trap song I loved at the time. He turned it down. I looked at his hand on my stereo knobs. I was shocked. I reached up and gently moved his hands “don’t touch my stereo.” I said. But I left the music low for him. I think he wanted to have a light conversation but, he never figured out the right opening line to say. We drove along in silence. He guided me to his house which was only a two minute drive from the store. I parked outside his apartment and looked at him to say goodbye. Open the door, go, I thought. And I wish I could tell you something so crazy beautiful happened.

He stayed quiet. And then I had this feeling so I spoke to it.

I said “your car’s back at the store isn’t it?..”

“Yeah” he whispered.

Wow what a liar! I thought. He is so funny. At least it was a sweet lie. He was just trying to spend more time with me. He could’ve just said “hey lets talk for a while.” Or did he think I was going to go upstairs with him? I dropped him off at his car and went home. He had asked me out on a date before he got out of the car and I said yes. I was off work the next couple of days so I had the time. But I got nervous. I had two major feelings I was battling.

I felt like he was so nice, I wasn’t good enough to be with him. Like I’d pull him down with me or something. And like I mentioned, I really didn’t want to date anyone. When it came close to the time I was suppose to meet him, I called him. My sister and girl friends were in the car with me while I made the phone call.

I said “hey I can’t go tonight”

He said “what? Why!” His voice sounded like the world was crumbling

“Uhhh well my grandma is sick”

It was a Lie. Everyone in the car had started laughing really loud, it just made this all so much worse.

Quick think fast Alicia…umm

“You can take my sister”

“What?, well what does she look like?”.. “No. Wait no I want to take you!”

Uhhh..we hung up the phone after he finally accepted I wasn’t showing up. Later I learned he had gone out and bought me flowers, gotten a haircut, reserved a table at a fancy dinner spot.. and he had gotten himself a new outfit to look nice for me. What a brat I was. He said after we hung up he went to the bathroom to inspect himself in the mirror, he wondered what was wrong with him. So sad I know. Ya big bully Alicia. To my defense. I really didn’t want to date anyone. And he continued to push me about it before I was ready. But sometimes I wish I would’ve just let myself fall for him right then.

I went to work after my days off and there was a new girl working. I asked who she was, they looked at me confused standing there in my uniform. Both faces, someone I had never met. They told me she was the new graveyard shift girl. I said, “but thats my job.” they shrugged their shoulders and I just left. I decided to talk to the manager the next morning. Turns out they had hired her after I didn’t show up for two days, I told them those were my days off. They were so unorganized they didn’t even have a backup cashier, and hadn’t even known what days off they gave me when I started. I didn’t care. I knew what it was before I got the job. Mismanaged. I had paid my car note and had a little extra left for gas and a cute outfit. I worked there a total of 16 days. And I think, it was just destinies way of making an opening for me to meet my husband. One of those stops on the new path I was walking.

Jorge and I didn’t talk much after I stopped working there. I went on to live my life and him his. During this time, my phone had gotten stolen at a party and so with it, all my contacts were gone. I had no job again so no money to replace it.

About 2 months later I was at a friends house checking a social media app for messages and I found one from him. I had forgotten all about our little time spent together. He was just a cool guy to me. Nothing more. His message read “ah chet, I didn’t know you had a mi espacio” Omg! How funny! That translates to -oh shit I didnt know you had a my space. I wrote back “I fucken love you! What’s your address? I’ll come over!” No answer. I checked it day after day. No answer. Eventually I wrote again “hey, whats your address?!” What I didn’t know was that he had a girlfriend. She had seen my message to him and didn’t like another girl telling her boyfriend she loved him. Fair enough.

He was going through a breakup I had caused. But probably him too, a little. He’s the one that messaged me in the first place. One day I went to my messages and all that was there was a simple address. No other words. Not a hello, not a good time to come by, nothing. I turned to my friend and asked her if she wanted to go with me to this guys house to hang out. Of course she was down for the cause. I wouldn’t surround my self with anyone but. And also, I was young and single. I didn’t want him getting the wrong impression. I always did a buddy system when I went out.

I parked the car near the same spot three months earlier he had lied about having needed a ride home. I walked up the stairs to his apartment and opened his door. I didn’t even knock. I was so obnoxiously bold then. He was sitting on his couch with a little girl in curly pigtails draped over his chest. She looked close in age to my daughter, maybe a little younger. Still in diapers. He was rocking her to sleep. She turned around and jumped off his lap. Whoops I thought.. I felt awful. He was trying to put her to sleep and I’d just interrupted by walking in his door unannounced. He sighed. I mouthed, “I’m so sorry.” Wait..who was this little girl? I thought to myself. She walked over to me and started to pull my finger. She was very extroverted. Talking up a storm. Gibberish mostly. Showing me around his apartment. She was too cute. But not my version of a party night. We all kind of lingered around. He said he’d put his daughter to sleep then we’d hang out. He invited a friend over. We spent the next couple months hanging out on days he had a babysitter. It was so fun.

He was older than me and could buy alcohol already. I’d sneak some until I was shit faced drunk. One night I lost my keys. He was throwing a party and I had gotten drunk and set them down somewhere, I couldn’t remember. It was time for me to go home. I thought I was good to drive. I stumbled around whining, asking for my keys. The whining started to turn into tears and loud belligerent crying. I killed the party vibe. I started telling people he was trying to kidnap me by hiding my keys. I just wanted to go home. They searched the whole house. Under couch cushions, behind the toilet, in the cupboards. Nothin. I said “fine, I’m just going to stay here then” There was no way I was going to leave my car. Staying at peoples houses was very foreign to me. I always went home, no matter what. But I felt like I didn’t really have a choice now that my car would be there.

By this time, everyone had gone to their homes as well and I was so mad at him that he had hidden my keys. I stumbled into his bedroom and plopped on his bed. I unbuttoned my pants and pushed them down my thighs with my feet. Ahh I was free. He was standing at the door watching this crazy drunk girl invade his space. Quiet, like he always is. I pulled the blanket over myself and settled into sleepiness. After locking up the house, I felt him crawl into the bed behind me. I turned around and said “get your own blanket!” Like a brat. I was so irritated. But also, he was just a friend and just because I was stranded at his house, in his bed didn’t mean any of the platonic guidelines of our friendship were going to change.

I traced an imaginary line between us with the edge of my hand. I looked at him sternly. “Dont cross it!” I said with a sting. Still he was just quiet. I think he was just secretly hoping I’d just shut up and go to sleep. He was so done with my nonsense.

He was a perfect gentlemen all night. He never crossed the line. He woke up early the next morning to go to work. I mumbled to him, “bring me some menudo.” It’s a hangover soup. He asked me where to get it and he left. A few hours later he was back. I was still sleeping. He woke me up. The food was on the table waiting for me. We sat down to eat. He was so proper. Id never seen him in this morning light. He was dressed in a proper shirt with a tie for work. He sat up straight. He ate with no elbows on the table. Weird. I just never noticed this side of him. Whatever. Im still not interested.

He spoke up while we ate,

“your friend called while I was at work”

He had gone to work for the morning and opened the store then come back to check on me.

“She said when she got in bed last night, she had your keys in her bra. She found them when she took it off.”

My friend had seen my keys on the counter and tucked them in her shirt. She thought they’d be safe there. But then she got so drunk she ended up throwing up all over herself in his bathroom and stripping down to her under wear in his bathtub before asking him to borrow some clothes. He had given her a big T shirt and pajama pants. Needless to say she had no idea where my keys were at that point or that she had even picked them up in the first place. Yes I know. We were a mess.

After breakfast he drove me to pick up my keys and back to his place to get my car. “Sorry for blaming you.” I said “I thought you wanted to kidnap me” He said. “Well I didn’t” talking to me like I was half idiot half child, but still respectful. And with that I headed out. No hug, no kiss, no thank you for breakfast.

A few days later he invited us over again. Buddy system. I was surprised he hadn’t had enough of our nonsense. But maybe he knew something about our future that I didn’t. He invited his friend over as well. We got to drinking and hanging out. And this time Jorge had a little too much. I decided I wanted to head out. Go find me another party to crash. He was blocking me from leaving.

“Not without a kiss” he was saying.

I still hadn’t ever given him any physical contact. He’d always ask for a little peck and I always said no. I tried to leave. He was being hilarious as always. I swerved around him to walk out of the door. He had decided if I wasn’t going to let him kiss me he’d just sneak one anyway. He pulled me back by my hand. Swinging me toward him. I was in the middle of a hard laugh. He was being so brave with this liquid courage. I let out a lighthearted squeal. He leaned in real fast and tried to place a kiss on my lips. I dodged him just in the knick of time… just letting his lips barely brush past the side of mine and down my chin a little.

First touch.

Static. It was electric. That feeling people talk about.

Another moment where I had been slow enough to be on time with destiny.    

I stood there speechless. What is this? I looked at him. This time, I really was looking into him. Into his eyes. When he had made contact, along with that spark I had a thought surge through my mind.

“Oh thats Jorge.” He felt familar to me. I knew him. I didn’t know him, my soul knew him. It was like a light bulb being flipped on. I could see now.

I lingered looking into his eyes trying to get past the flesh to find out who he was. I drove home trying to figure out what had just happened.

Those feelings are what I base my life on. Those -gut knowing- feelings. Thats when I dropped the buddy system. I went to his house the next day and I kissed him for the first time. I let him take me on a date. We introduced our daughters to each other and they became fast friends. Sisters. I was stuck like glue.

And two years later we were sitting in that bible study learning how to be in a relationship. We were volatile together but addicted to each other. He was constantly trying to tame me. I was constantly trying to be independent from him. But I’d end up right back in his arms. We were learning each others boundaries. Two determined, head strong people trying to make the rules for each other.

We stood there in the kitchen with our hosts. Slurping soup. We both had come to a place of calmness. We had found each others boundaries. I was settling in to mothering our son and being a better mama to my daughter. No more parties for me. We had both looked back with a little regret on our pasts. Maybe we made some bad choices.

You know in the Bible it says “God hates divorce” We felt like we were in this relationship we didn’t expect to be in. We were in love with a little family now. I think we both had a little bit of knowing God was real but also just lived our lives how we wanted. But on the other hand, we didn’t want any curses or fury coming if God was serious about hating divorce. It was a weird spot to be in. We started poking around the subject while standing at the kitchen island. “Well, what does God do if people get divorced?” We were standing there with people that had completely different backgrounds than us. Paper Perfect People. People that had finished high school, never done drugs, didnt get drunk at parties, married the first person they dated etc etc. They were trying to answer us as best they could with the vagueness we were providing. Finally, my husband just came right out and asked “Does God hate us because we got divorced?” We wanted to know if we were set to live a life filled with doom. “Noooo. No no no”  they answered so gently.

And they were right. I’ve learned God is so simple. He’s made out to be this terrifying, convicting boss. Walking around with this heavy cross for a gavel. Banging it down in front of every missed step. And God is just.. not that way. He’s forgiving, He’s understanding, He’s welcoming.

Theres a bible verse that reads.. “Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentatons 3:22-24

I’m not saying to go out and leave your partners. So no. this is not a divorce campaign. If the damage in your relationship is repairable, I’m sure God would rather you get through the season together. I’m just saying if you were ever like me and had that thought or maybe found yourself in this situation. Maybe there’s some heat coming for you because of that choice you made.. its not happening. His mercies are new every morning.

Before I close this thing I will say, My husband and I are so good together because of two base line things we have in common.

We had lived a little life and so we had already established who were were as people. That helped us to have our own identities in order to undertand who we were as individuals. With that understanding we were able to just be ourselves for each other. Comfortable in our own skin around each other. There was no newness in the way of being embarrassed to be vulnerable. We knew what we wanted. We knew what our hard limits were.

The second is our commitment. We didn’t commit because that’s just the thing you do. We committed to the process of the relationship. A priority of ours is a life long experience with our person. That means good bad and ugly. Also, that commitment was formed from never wanting to break up another family. We related to each other on this. Because the kids would be effected, we realize the selfishness of our actions or decisions would impact their lives. We love them too much for this.

I respect my husband. I do my best to build him up. I do my best to try my hardest at loving him. Sometimes I could do better at it but for the most part I try hard for him. Because I value our relationship, I would never put myself in a situation to lose him or have to try to rebuild a new family.

Marriage is more than just the type of thing where,

you get along,

you make it work

you have stuff in common.

Marriage takes effort. You have to continue to get to know your spouse. They are constantly evolving, emotionally maturing. Continue to date. Continue to talk. Find something you love to do together. You have to continue to woo them. Be pretty, stay in shape, shower. I say this because most days my husband is at work. He works long hours. By the time he comes home I’m usually already in my jammies, my makeup is washed off and my hair is already pulled up for the night. I’m in bed. And of course he finds me beautiful just like this. but, if he never saw me outside of this, what effort am I putting into that portion of our relationship. In the beginning of our relationship, I’d dress up. I’d shave my legs so they were silky smooth for him. I’d do my hair cute, I’d spray perfume between my thighs. Why would I not do that now? You have to try hard for them. Even if they aren’t doing that for you. Love is selfless. Your spouse is not some average person. They deserve a higher degree of effort. Even if you don’t like them right now. With all that said, Maybe I’ll leave his ass when the kids are older. jk

So now you know how I met my hubs. And If you ever hear me talking all kinds of mess about him, just know I adore him. I’m always going to remember the man I married and why.

I love you boo.

My sweet thang.

My suga foot

My brown skin man.

My caramel drop.

Mm walking around looking and smelling all good.