Banana bread

I wrote this journal entry in 2020 during the first closure of Covid -19. I refer to it often in my thoughts and when talking with friends because it was such a pivotal moment for me in understanding Gods design.

I havnt decided if its the western world or if its the world as a whole, but I’ve come to notice that if were not doing something big in our lives, were not really looked at as big. “Big” being the better cars, houses, careers… now I understand this is a blanket statement and there are special situations but really, we aim for labels. Lets look at career as an example. We aim to excel not only for the income but for the clout that comes with the career title. And I suppose it doesn’t really matter, except until we’re no longer projecting but have turned that mirror onto ourselves and have started to ask the question, “what do you do for a living?” to ourselves. Because eventually it will happen. That craving for fulfillment can’t be met with a big bank account and an engaging social media following.

Eventually, when we ask ourselves; Were asking to find an answer to a deeper question…

“What are you here on earth to do?

“What were you especially created for?”

you ask you, as you look into your own eyes.

It’s been nearly 4 years since I wrote the following journal entry and so much has changed since. The girl that wrote the entry had the mindset of stability and security. I focused on making sure I was always financially stable independently from my husband. I used to halfway joke and say “Ive seen Waiting To Exhale too many times to be up under a mans bank account my whole life” I wanted to build something that was mine. I wanted to make my mother proud. I wanted to be accomplished. And I reached that point. But I still had this hollow, emptiness inside. Craving the “more” from tomorrow. As if a second salon, a new glitter polish or a new paint color on the walls would make me feel better.

I began to call out to my creator to ask the same questions we all have, even if we havn’t come to terms with realizing how small we are next to the ocean. And, eventually I was led, by God, to close the salon and start fresh in a new direction…but before I did, God had to deal with my understanding of reliance. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was not the one supplying provisions anymore…I actually never was. God was and would/will be my provider.

I remember one of the hardest things I had to admit to myself and out loud to my husband was “I was wrong” When I explained that I was stepping away, my hubby didnt understand my decision. He asked me once “if God wants you to close the business, then why would He have given this to you in the first place?” That was a good question… and the only way I can answer it is that.. I think He just led me down the path so that I would be sure to never want to look down the path again. He gave me the desires of my heart….but he didnt give me the peace. I loved my little place but I felt no peace…I explained this to my husband and in honor of being transparent, our marriage struggled for a bit…he didnt understand me anymore. He had to re learn who I was becoming, but as I was becoming her.

I was also deeply invested into the career for other reasons. I was financially tied but also, my whole identity was tied up in this business. I was the nail girl who went by “the north west nail tech” so when I had to set this down I had no idea who I was. That version of myself was who I had spent the last 9 years building. Closing meant going into the isolation place and figuring out who was deep down inside of me. The person that God had called to be created for His purposes. And yes we did all of that work too… but most importantly, I learned the happiness of today.

Today. oh beloved today. Everyday starts the same no matter what I’m doing. And that is with my coffee.. I stand up, open my blinds that cover my big window that overlooks my giant oak tree in my backyard…and I go make my coffee. I come back and I plop back in bed to stare out and see what God has created.

Ive been relieved of my duties temporarily and so my only responsibilities are my husband and kids. So when I wake up I decide that day what I’ll get done. And sometimes its just a lot of naps. Sometimes I feel guilty like I should be doing more, but I learned in my isolation period, in the past, I had used “busy” as a coping mechanism in order to not deal with the invading thoughts of pain from my past. The Holy Spirit is the best therapist you’ll ever meet. Resting in this season of my life is okay because in the next, I will be exhausted…

By stripping me of any forward thinking plans, I only focus on today and what is right in front of me are my beautiful children. I see them with new eyes. Now instead of trying to find a way to juggle parenting and my career, I’m thinking about what I’ll do when they graduate high school…because with a priority mindset, I only have six years left until they’re off to college and my house will be quieter, ther’ll be less laundry, ther'll be less time for family dinners, ther’ll be less time for deep conversations on the couch. So today they are my focus. I hold this position, Mother..in the highest of regards. No career or accomplishment will ever be bigger than the impact of raising a human to join the world and be -good.

The role of mother, is the role I had tried to balance with goals of success….but now I feel like -I’d trade all the “big” in the world if I could just create good humans that feel love and know what a home feels like.

My journal entry from March 2020 is below,

I always ask God for guidance. I’m a planner. I really do not like - not having a path to follow. I prefer knowing my next steps.

Lately, Ive felt like I should be doing more. Ive felt that tug in my gut telling me I should be using my presence while I’m on this earth to fill something greater than what I am now. Currently, I am a mother, a wife, a salon owner but I feel like something is missing. Again, that I could be doing more. 

This morning I woke up at 5:07 AM to a creepy crawly thing in bed with me, crawling on my exposed shoulder. It was still dark and all I could see was a black speck about the size of a dime against my white sheets. I quickly jumped up and flipped the lights on to see exactly what and who the intruder was. It was a stinkbug. The stinkbug was escorted from my bed to the bathroom with the help of the old birthday card that was sitting on my dresser. I then laid back down.

For me animals never present themselves out of sheer coincidence. That bug stayed in the back of my mind until I finally got out of bed around 9:20. I slept in today because I’m currently at home, my business doors are closed because the service is a nonessential item to the community.

I went downstairs to prepare myself a cup of coffee. As I waited for the pot to brew, I noticed four over ripened bananas sitting in the basket next to the stove. I figured while I waited for the coffee, I’d whip up a quick batch of banana bread to enjoy.

I mashed nanas, I cracked the eggs, I combined the dry and the wet. And wallah, an hour later I had a delicious treat for my kiddos. As an added bonus, scents of fresh banana bread wafted through my home and out the sliding glass door into the crisp spring morning where by looking out you’d never guess there is a single a thing the matter in the world. The birds continue to sing and the sun still blazes through the blue cloudless sky.

After that, I decided to take my cup of coffee upstairs and hang out in bed.

I sat down to pray, I closed my eyes.

I prayed as always, for my next steps. I said I wasn’t feeling fulfilled. I acknowledged that out of all his children, I am probably the most needy in that I am constantly needing reassurance and direction. I just want to be of help... I sat there in His presence. I could feel His Powerful yet peaceful spirit just to my right,  near my large window that overlooks the rooftops in my neighborhood. I kept my eyes closed so he wouldn’t leave. I let my heart speak.

I asked him “what do I do next?”

I focused on that, I asked him again what do I do next? And just then I smelled that fragrant bread again.

Have you ever met someone who didn’t enjoy hot and homemade banana bread? As the fragrance entered my bedroom, God said to me, “Make mini loaves of banana bread and hand them out”

Huh? I’m confused... that’s it?  That’s the master plan?!! Banana Bread?! It’s such a tiny task when I was designed so capable !! You want me to prepare banana bread?

I pressed my mind to consider His thinking and the importance of this seemingly mundane task….preparing homemade baked goods. The bouncy flesh of a freshly baked loaf. That smell. Then when you get a taste of it with a little melted butter on top. Mmmmmmm.

All of the sudden your memories click into high gear remembering that special someone who prepared that for you. Remembering standing on a chair to help the wrinkled hands next to your Little ones mix the batter and the strength behind those arms as they whipped that batter.

Remembering the honor of licking the wooden spoon.

How often, I wonder, do homeless have access to ovens? I wonder if they carry baking soda in there packs…they don’t.  That was a question to provoke thinking. So God, Hes so deep in his decisions and his creations that he’s going to send me on a mission to prepare banana bread to invoke that feeling. Like that stink bug that woke me up this morning. It’s power lies in its overwhelming fragrance so much so, he’s named after it.

Just like that inviting scent that flooded my room

I’m gonna share that.

such a little gift these mini loaves will be but what a grand power they will present. May they warm the bellies of those that receive them and encourage memories of yonder years worry less and comforting.. don’t worry Gods a planner too.

end

What I’m trying to tell you is…I’ve come to understand, one grand part of our dear Lord is yes, His planning abilities but also most importantly, how today matters to him just as much as tomorrow…if we aren’t focused on today, we may not accomplish what needs to get done in the now.

Now is child bearing, child rearing, dishes, walks, car rides, errands, snuggles, bath time, swim lessons, Sunday mornings before church, shoe laces, tantrums, hugs, routines, chore charts, kitchen haircuts, board games, naps, homework… banana bread baking…

Youre a good mom