Seasons

Fall is approaching. I can smell the air changing towards the new season. I have lived here long enough to recognize it in the breeze. This summer went by quicker than I would've liked, mostly because of the party planning. My daughter got married on Saturday. We spent months organizing for that big day. She came home in November of last year and joyfully exclaimed she wanted to elope. Of course they decided to make a big wedding instead and we all hopped to it. It went down as any traditional family structure would…The mothers dieted by cutting out carbs and sugars and went to the gym an obscene amount of times per week then chose and purchased their satin dresses a size smaller while also frantically making calls to each other about details like what appetizer would be best for the cocktail hour.

“Hey, it's me again, is one meatball too little for an appetizer and should we do Marinara or Teriyaki?” -We went with Teriyaki.

Yes the moms strategized the best party they could muster with the given circumstances and the dads…they gave pep talks and head pats and assured everyone the bill would be paid. 

By the time the wedding week had approached, I was fending off stress and telling myself it was going to be perfect. I’d say it out loud so as to manifest a good thing. I’d take deep breaths, in through the nose and slowly out through the mouth. Ahhhhh. I’d periodically try my dress on just in case I wasn't skinny enough yet. I had ordered 4 different satin dresses, just to be safe. I made calls to everyone and their grandad. I wore comfy shoes so as to still be able to use my feet on the wedding day.

The night before, I stayed up until 2am curating flower arrangements and ironing shirts. Finally on Saturday, I curled my first borns hair for the last time as an unwed woman, I zipped her into her gown and watched her walk down the aisle to her new beginning. The wedding went smoothly. I sipped Margaritas and let Gail, our wedding coordinator, do the bossy stuff. I also danced and laughed as much as I wanted to. 

Then on Sunday, when I should have been feeling relieved and happy, I woke up feeling….heavy. All of the anxieties about the day going smoothly were vanquished. The venue was cleaned before we left. Everyone got home safely. It went down without a hitch…But still, my heart was not satisfied with the result. To make things even more uneasy, the weather was gloomy instead of sunny and bright like we usually are accustomed to in August. So I did what any sensible homemaker does on the first gray day after a while.

I pulled some chicken from the freezer and picked some Oregano, Thyme and Rosemary from my garden. I chopped the carrots and celery then peeled the onion that was curing on the porch. (My neighbor gave me the onion fresh from his garden a few days ago.) In the pot it all went. Something to comfort us. 

This transition from having all of my children under my nose to my eldest out of the house is uncomfortable. At first I felt…. bamboozled, for lack of a better word. 

“Hey!... you mean to tell me I spent thousands on a  farewell party?!”

This was no celebration, someone I care deeply for isn't coming home to brush her teeth and be tucked snug in her bed safe and sound…Bamboozled I tell you. 

Monday-I tried to stay within boundaries so instead of calling like I usually would, I sent her a text,

“heyyyy, how’s things goin?”

Luckily she texted back just like she normally would. I hid my feelings so she could enjoy her time without feeling like she had to Mom me.

I texted my husband. He was at work. “Babe, I feel sad…she’s not coming home anymore.” He texted me back and said

“You have a lil girl at the house and an older one to give you grandchildren you’re beyond blessed 😘”

Wow, just what I needed to hear. With that I turned my attention towards the children still sitting in my living room and my heart began to feel no so bad anymore. 

I usually try to wait until I have a positive outlook or a revelation on a circumstance before I report on it. But today, I feel the need to share, right now.

I suppose I am entering into a new version of life as I know it. I guess, it's a new season for all of us. The boys are arguing about who's taking over my eldest’ room when she finally gets all of her stuff out, learning to drive and back talking me like nobodies business. My baby is finding her way as a young lady, still needing reminding to cross her legs when wearing a dress and where and how much perfume to spritz. I start another semester of school in 3 weeks, 3 more semesters to go. My husband is also feeling that pull towards more…. The season’s changing.

I can smell it in the air. Not just the weather, but everything. This time I have spent at home, since closing the business, is evolving into a new thing. I have sat on my promise as if I were holding a lottery ticket with no cash in date. I suppose the Lord does say there’s a time for everything and perhaps I just hadn’t recognized it for what it was.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I think there was comfort in that season… which I had grown to acknowledge as pleasing. Everything was placed just how I liked it. It was steady and predictable and safe. Even though I grudgingly had to relinquish my grasp on that portion of my life, I have the option to welcome a new version of what was so good, just as my husband had mentioned.

This reflection time has helped me realize, comfort is not the goal, growth is.

I can't wait to see what good things God does in this new season. 

Also…Yesterday my girl got home from her honeymoon and today I opened a text that read:

 “Mom, I have to go grocery shopping, what do I put on the list?”

-My heart