Worlds Armor

As promised, I am going to start telling you about one of the revelations I had during my isolation period. The time where I was in the hidden place being refined. All of these revelations helped me become the truer version of me. I am grateful for the time.

One of many revelations is when I learned how and why I walk into the rooms I fill my presence with. Trying to make myself useful in some way. The way I had learned the world wanted me to be instead of the way my creator wanted me to be.

I dreamed I was in the room with very important people. No special place. Just a room like something you’d find in hoity toyty buildings. Couches and tables and chairs gave the important people rest for there feet. People served them in various ways. Bringing drinks or standing by just in case. The people were the big wigs of my world. People like celebrities or business owners.. people with influence and more power than little ol me had. I could feel my intentions. As I walked through the room… I felt the posture of my heart. Which is where the source of my decisions came from.

In my heart, the intentions I had were to be noticed… but only in a way that was acceptable to them…I was always on guard not to offend or act out of the guidelines of a guest. My personal goal was to be welcomed into their inner circle so that I might find myself a seat on those chairs they sat in…To finally be apart of this group.

To accomplish this, I tried my hardest to be very supportive and warm and inviting to all their efforts and plans. I was a walking hype girl. -not because I actually felt that way.

When she dropped something I picked it up and I’d say “no problem girl”

When she felt sad I nurtured her but I had no emotions toward her problems..my intentions were to be appreciated. It was my own agenda. I wanted the conversation to be “gosh she was so nice” after I had left the room.

I saw that I was being kind with the intentions to open the doors to friendship. Although I am a loving and caring person at heart, sometimes I put myself out there for the wrong reasons. I used -the nice girl as my opening to deeper relationships. Almost like when before you leave the house you paint your face to hide your face… Hide the dark circles and the blemishes and the freckles… you keep applying that foundation and that blush until all that’s there is a smooth creamy complexion that never ever looked like anything was wrong in the first place…..

I never saw who I truly was in the dream… just that I wanted to make everyone comfortable in my presence…the journey to knowing me was the path ahead.

Through life I have built an armor. An armor that is presentable to the world. 

When I reached accomplishments I tend to say “we” instead of “I”.. never wanting to make the team feel undervalued.

I tend to be too loud in settings. Ive heard this from people. The conversation when I left the room was “jeez she was loud or “wow she talked a lot.”…that hurt and made me quiet.

I tend be too pretty…noticing side eyes from girls that feel uncomfortable with me around. I never wanted anyone to feel like anything less than me so I dulled it down.

I tend to be too assertive.. and people end up taking my knowing of how to speak for myself and set boundaries as..too confrontational. So I stopped speaking up. It was the nicer thing to do.

Through the dream…The revelation that was bestowed on me was this….

The group of people I was trying so much to be apart of was the same group that required me to be small in order to fit into what they felt was acceptable. And for some reason I had molded myself into the position they had created for me.

I designed myself as this soft person..something more palatable to the community so that I never seemed too much of …anything. Just a sensitive calm thing. A wall flower over in the corner. Nothing to be bothered about. I’ll help when you need. Stay quiet so you dont feel uncomfortable. Speak lower so I’m not loud, wear nuetrals and natural makeup so I’m not prettier than you. But none of that really works. I tried to be as authentic as possible while still maintaining fitting in the mold.

When I awoke I decided to remove the armor that confined the creation I was underneath. I was bursting from it anyway. This loud, beautiful, assertive and yes soft, center of attention thing. The one that paints the flowers for the walls. The one that sings the songs in the room. The one that helps and loves because I want to and doesn’t, because I don’t.. and that is all. The one that tells you all about yourself because you need to hear it from a good godly woman. The one that laughs when you try to do it back.

But how do you unlearn this behavior -armor?

First I had to come to acceptance of who I was created to be. I had to learn who I really was and what I wanted from experiences. Then I had to learn how God saw me. At my core my only desire is to impress Him, which made my load lighter in a way.. because all He wanted was for me to be me. and He knew who that was anyway..It was the permission I had needed all of these years.

Then… I had to be brave enough to let go of the people that wouldn’t be okay with the truest version of myself once I took the armor off. And I learned that all of the people I truly enjoy I had already been myself around. So then, all that I needed to do was be that true version of myself in the rooms with the “important people” from the dream. The new relationships. And so I did that too.

So I ask you…What have you armored yourself in? Do you freely walk as yourself? Im sure you know how to sit quietly with your knees touching and your feet crossed.. folded hands on your lap..back straight, now smile. But have you looked beneath? Have you asked your creator to reveal your armor?

Woman? What do you do to be acceptable in a room?