Worlds Armor

As promised, I am going to start telling you about one of the revelations I had during my isolation period. The time where I was in the hidden place, being refined. All of these revelations helped me to become the truer version of myself. I am grateful for the time.

One of the many revelations is when I learned how and why I walk into the rooms I choose to fill my presence with. Spoiler alert- I was trying to make myself useful in some way…the way I had learned the world wanted me to be instead of the way my creator wanted me to be.

Through life I have built an armor, an armor that is presentable to the world. 

When I reached accomplishments I tend to say “we” instead of “I” never wanting to make the team feel undervalued.

I tend to be too loud in settings. I’ve heard this from people. The conversation when I left the room was “jeez she was loud or “wow she talked a lot.” That hurt and made me quiet.

I tend be too pretty, noticing side eyes from girls that feel uncomfortable with me around, gripping their lovers hand tighter and straightening their posture to stand taller next to me. I never wanted anyone to feel like anything less than me so I dulled me down, less makeup and jewelry, no heels. -not my lobster is toooo buttery.

I tend to be too assertive. People end up taking my knowing of how to speak for myself and set boundaries as…too confrontational. So I stopped speaking up. It was the nicer thing to do.

I dreamed I was in the room with very important people, no special place, just a room like something you’d find in hoity toity buildings. Couches and tables and chairs gave the important people rest for their feet, people served them in various ways by bringing drinks or standing by just in case. The people were the big wigs of my world. People like celebrities or corporate business owners, people with influence and more power than little ol’ me had. As I walked through the room I felt the posture of my heart. I could feel my intentions, which was the the source of where my decisions came from.

In my heart, the intentions I had were to be noticed. But! the big thing here is, noticed only in a way that was acceptable to them. I was willing to dull my natural self down in order to to be accepted. That was -not as loud, smile too pretty or be too extra in any way. I was always on guard not to offend or act out of the guidelines of a guest. My personal goal was to be welcomed into their inner circle so that I might find myself a seat on those chairs they sat in, in order to finally be apart of this group.

To accomplish this, I tried my hardest to be very supportive and warm and inviting to all their efforts and plans. I was a walking hype girl. -not because I actually felt that way.

When she dropped something I picked it up and I’d say “no problem girl”

When she felt sad I nurtured her but I had no emotions toward her problems. My intentions were to be appreciated. It was my own agenda. I wanted the conversation to be “gosh she was so nice” after I had left the room but again I wanted that because I wanted acceptance. I never stopped to consider being accepted, appreciated and loved solely for who I was just being myself. That nice and loving woman who is also loud, funny, rambunctious, imperfect, curt, opinionated, bold, assertive.

I saw that I was being kind with the intentions to open the doors to friendship. Although I am a loving and caring person at heart, sometimes I put myself out there for the wrong reasons. I used -the nice girl as my opening to deeper relationships. Almost like when before you leave the house you paint your face to hide your face. To hide the dark circles and the blemishes and the freckles. You keep applying that foundation and that blush until all that is left is a smooth creamy complexion that never ever looked like anything was out of order in the first place.

I never saw who I truly was in the dream, just that I wanted to make everyone comfortable in my presence. The journey to knowing the true me was the path ahead.

Through the dream, the revelation that was bestowed on me was this;

The group of people I was trying so much to be apart of was the same group that required me to be small in order to fit into what they felt was acceptable. I designed myself as this soft person..something more palatable to the community so that I never seemed too much of …anything. Just a sensitive calm thing. A wall flower over in the corner. Nothing to be bothered about. I’ll help when you need. Stay quiet so you don’t feel uncomfortable. Speak lower so I’m not loud, wear neutrals and natural makeup so I’m not prettier than you. But none of that really works. I tried to be as authentic as possible while still maintaining fitting in their mold.

When I awoke I decided to remove the armor that confined the creation I was underneath. I was bursting from it anyway. This loud, beautiful, assertive and yes soft, center of attention thing.

The one that paints the flowers for the walls.

The one that sings the songs in the room.

The one that helps and loves because I want to and doesn’t, because I don’t.. and that is all.

The one that tells you all about yourself because you need to hear it from a good godly woman.

The one that laughs when you try to do it back.

But then when committed to changing this behavior in myself I was faced with the challenge, -how do you unlearn this behavior -armor?

First I had to come to the acceptance of who I was created to be. That journey was founded in…

understanding that I was knit together in my mothers womb for a specific purpose by someone. And in order to fulfill the purpose I had to be packaged just so. Like young King David…When he went to fight Goliath, David stood under 5 feet tall, while history predicts Goliath was approximately 7 feet. But as the story goes, David astounded everyone when he defeated Goliath, especially because of their vast difference in body structures. An experienced warrior against a young, small framed boy.

The point is, our gifts make room for us and the creation of our bodies weren’t forgotten in those gifts. Embrace yourself fully from your hair texture to your skin tone all way down to the way your pinky toe curls up in your shoes.

I practiced wearing the bright pink blouse because I really like it, instead of the black shirt because it was a safer choice. I practiced wearing heels because I felt they went with the outfit better than the flats that were recommended because of my height. I practiced wearing my hair natural and big and curly, instead of sopping it down with gels in order to seem more professional.

I also had to learn what I wanted from experiences, which taught me who I really was. This meant being intentional to understand why I was doing things and choosing to decline if it truly didn’t line up with my values. If I was asked to be a part of a project by an “important/titled” person, I’d pause in order to reflect and understand my (why). If at the end of the reflection I concluded that I didn’t want to but also felt that familiar call to do this thing so I could earn their respect…I declined. Find another errand girl I‘d say respectfully of course.

Instead I looked for opportunities that aligned with my purpose. I poured into volunteering under leaders I admired for their morals and causes, but to genuinely help them if they needed it. (Always being sure to understand my why).

As a member of the body, I serve because I am called to serve. No where does the good book say to serve for selfish ambition, in fact it warns against it.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. -Philippians 2:3-4

Then I had to learn how God saw me. At my core, my only desire is to impress Him, so I determined that my actions should ultimately reflect a standard of which He would be proud.

To learn this I poured into what the bible says about people. I studied creation as a whole. My takeaways were that

-we were created to be in fellowship with God and one another. I think of it (creation) like a business. In a business there are phases in development, like the planning phase and then the portion of work that gets done. As the business goes on there may be hiccups that need tending. I akin this to the days of creation and the changes that occured throughout history. He created the stars and the sky, then seperated oceans from the land. He placed trees bearing fruit and animals to eat. He established the eco system that when left to its own devices, has a perpetual cycle of replenishment. Then us. For company and also to tend to the creation He placed us as overseers, stewards,. And when one of those hiccups occured, He reformulated His business plan in order to tend to His over all goal- fellowship, the whole time never abandoning His intention to abide with us. Which goes back to the importance of understanding abiding in His presence and while/how that was defiled in the first place…and that ties to pleasing Him. In the church we call this “The fall” the big bad bite of the apple- which separated us from His presence and the ability to abide with Him.

Abiding with Him includes obedience but also a willingness to try our best to adhere to the way in which He created humanity to live. Of course there is grace for not always living our best life, which helps to navigate away from legalistic terms of religion and condemnation. But overall, He really did give us a manual on how our bodies and minds were to be in order to maximize our life experience that fit into his “business plan.”

-we were created in His image- which translated to me not only as visually but also emotionally. He experiences disappointment, happiness, laughter, anger, jealousy. Now knowing that, why wouldn’t I try to be someone that brings Him joy?

Finally, His continued acceptance of “falls.” Throughout history he repeatedly showed His compassion and loyalty to us by modifying His plan, for that goal -just to be with you.

I’ll flood this just to be with you,

I’ll set this people a part from other nations just to be with you,

I’ll turn my cheek while my son dies just to be with all of you.

And all of this for an imperfect, immensely flawed, in need of continuous correction and refining- version of myself.

which made my load lighter in a way. Because all He wanted was for me to be me and He knew who that was anyway. It was the permission I had needed all of these years.

Then… I had to be brave enough to let go of the people that wouldn’t be okay with the truest version of myself.

Your tribe will make room for the truest version of you. But tribe or not be that version.

I took the armor off and I learned that all of the people I truly enjoy, I had already been myself around. So then, all that I needed to do was to be that true version of myself in the rooms with the “important people” from the dream. The new relationships. And so I did that too, unapologetically.

So I ask you…What have you armored yourself in? Do you walk life freely, as the most authentic version of yourself? I’m sure you know how to sit quietly with your knees touching and your feet crossed.. folded hands on your lap..back straight, now smile. But have you looked beneath? Have you asked your creator to reveal your armor?

Woman? What do you do in order to be acceptable in a room -for whom?